Grieving Parents: 7 Tips For Holidays
Holidays are the hardest time of the year for many grieving parents. As memories of what has been and thoughts of what could’ve been come flooding back, it’s easy to fall into a depressive and hopeless state. Though the world felt like it stopped turning the second you lost your baby, the holidays have continued to come around. Whether it is your first holiday without them or your fiftieth, it doesn’t get easier. But there are things that you can do to take care of yourself and push forward. If you’re a grieving parent, I welcome you with open and apologetic arms. If you’re the support system of someone grieving, I thank you for taking the time to be here.
1.Ignore Other People’s Expectations
The most important piece of advice when it comes to grief and the holidays is to focus on yourself. Don’t listen to your friend that tells you to suck it up or your family member who constantly says things like, “Everything happens for a reason.” They’ve never been through the loss of a child because if they had, they’d know that both of those statements do nothing but make you want to hide in a room and not talk to anyone until after the New Years' ball has dropped.
Ignoring the expectations of others for where you should be on your grief journey will make the holidays easier to manage.
If you’re the support system of someone who is grieving, ensure that you are taking notes and never dismissing their feelings. Don’t say dumb blanket statements and don’t promise them that everything will be okay. The best thing you can do is be there, offer your support, and let them know that they are valid, heard, and loved.
2. Surround Yourself with Support
On the same note, ensure that you are surrounding yourself with people who get you and support you. There is no need to drag yourself to events with people who dismiss the way that you’re grieving or make your mental health worse.
Part of taking care of yourself is ensuring that those in your circle are there for you. If they aren’t, the holidays are not the time to entertain them.
3. Set Boundaries for Yourself
Just because you’ve gone to ten holiday parties every year in the past doesn’t mean that you have to this year. Establishing boundaries is a critical part of self-care when grieving, as it gives you time to process.
If you wake up and you can’t handle going to your friend’s Christmas party where thirty kids will be running around nonstop, set that boundary for yourself. If you want to only stick to two parties this year, set that boundary. If you want to do the holidays at your home this year and spend time with your loved ones in a more comfortable environment, set that boundary.
You’re the only one that knows what you need, so you have to communicate it and set your boundaries without wavering from them. Be firm.
If you’re a support system, be understanding and supportive when parents don’t want to attend your event. Instead of nagging them about not coming to your party, suggest a quiet movie night later in the week or another activity that has you spending time together without all of the chaos.
4. Practice Self-Care
We’ve already touched on a few ways that you can practice self-care, but there are many more. It’s important to note that self-care doesn’t always mean bubble baths with candles. It certainly can mean that if that’s what you need, but there’s much more to it.
Self-care is taking care of yourself and giving yourself what you need, within a healthy reason. If what you need is to sit in with your dog and go through photo albums in order to process, that's self-care. If you need to go out with a friend to get your mind off of things, that’s self-care. Self-care is what you make it but essentially, it’s doing what you need to do to feel the best that you possibly can. Maybe you need to set a day to do things for yourself, or maybe you need to seek out a therapist. Maybe, like a lot of grieving parents, you need both.
If you’re a support system, encourage self-care but understand that it doesn’t always look the way that you may expect and that is okay!
5. Talk About Them!
There’s a point during grieving where it feels uncomfortable to talk about who you’ve lost. Maybe reminding yourself of them makes you cry, or maybe you just don’t want to bother others. Whatever the reason is, ditch it.
Your child’s memory lives on with you. Pretending that their death didn’t happen and that they weren’t a real living soul on this earth does an injustice to both of you. Talk about them whenever you can, even if it’s hard at first. The more that you talk about them, the easier it becomes to talk about them. Sometimes just remembering that even though they’re gone, they’ll always be your baby is comforting.
If you’re a support system, understand that a lot of grieving parents want to talk about their children. Listen to them when they do, add in your own stories about them, and encourage open discussion whenever they feel comfortable with it. Make sure that they know that you are someone they can trust to remember their child.
6. Incorporate Your Child Into Family Traditions
Holidays can be really difficult because it feels like we are moving on without our loved ones. Incorporating them into family traditions is a great way to keep their spirit alive and include them in the holidays.
Make ornaments just for them, light a candle, bake a cake, do whatever feels right to you to honor them, and include them. They're still your baby, hang a stocking for them on the fireplace and remember that.
If you’re a support system, encourage these things but don’t force them.
7. Be Gentle With Yourself
If you haven’t cried in weeks but break down every single day for the entire month of December, that’s okay. If you can’t put up your Christmas tree this year, that’s okay, too. When dealing with infant loss, miscarriage, or the loss of any loved one, the grief journey is forever. You will always miss them, you will always have days that are harder than others. Embrace that and remember that the pain is a result of an incredible and beautiful person being in your life.
Be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not where you think you should be, because there’s nowhere you truly should be. Do what you can, when you can, with what you can. That’s all you can do and that’s all anyone can expect of you.
If you’re a support system, don’t let them beat themselves up. Be gentle with them and encourage gentleness. Understand mood swings and understand that even small things that you may not understand could trigger tears. That’s okay.
Take Care of Yourself This Holiday Season
The holidays are a difficult time for anyone grieving and dealing with Therapy for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. When it’s the loss of a child, the pain is unbearable at times. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get through them. Remember them, remember your boundaries, and treat yourself kindly. If you have questions or want to know how I can help, I offer a 15-minute consultation. Please reach out today!
