Shame and Guilt: How They Compare
On the surface, it seems like shame and guilt can be used interchangeably. They both convey the same general idea about what someone is feeling. But, the two are actually very different. When you’re feeling any negative emotions, it’s important to understand what it means and how it can truly impact you. Because these two particular ideas are so closely related, it’s easy to express yourself using the “wrong” one.
Why does that matter?
The more you understand your emotions and what they mean, the easier it is to work through them – especially when they’re negative. Let’s compare shame and guilt, note how they’re different, and discuss what you can do about them if they seem to be affecting you.
What is Shame?
Have you ever failed to live up to someone’s expectations? Maybe it was in a romantic relationship, a friendship, a professional relationship, or even as a child? Perhaps you set standards for yourself that you didn’t quite meet.
The feeling of failure that occurs when you don’t meet those standards is shame.
Shame is incredibly unhealthy and can make you change the way you see yourself. You might start to think of yourself as a bad person, rather than someone who made a mistake. It makes you focus on your entire being, rather than just an action or series of actions.
What is Guilt?
Unlike shame, guilt doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s okay to feel guilty about it when you know you did something wrong – whether it was your fault or not.
When you feel guilty, you’re focused on one particular action or event. You don’t see yourself as a bad person. Rather, you recognize that you “messed up,” and you can use it as a learning and growing tool.
Guilt often requires some type of repentance to move on. You might need to apologize to someone or “fix” the problem you created. It can be a great motivational resource that improves who you are, rather than something that brings you down.
The Resulting Behaviors of Guilt and Shame
People respond to these emotions differently, but the easiest way to compare them is to look at one as constructive and one as destructive.
Most people who experience guilt want to get rid of the emotion quickly, so they’ll do whatever they can to make things right. They’ll learn from their mistakes and put in more effort to fix them so they can move on.
People who experience shame, however, can easily feel anger about the emotion. They’ll often use that anger to bring themselves down, say negative things about who they are, and feel like failures. Because it’s hard to control that kind of anger, it’s not uncommon for people dealing with shame to lash out at others, as well.
What Should You Do?
You’ll experience both shame and emotion throughout life. It’s what you do in response to each emotion that will make a difference.
The most important thing is to use both as a way to grow. When you experience guilt, that’s easier to do. With shame, however, you might feel “stuck” or like you’re too much of a failure to fix things and move ahead.
The best thing you can do when you experience shame is to find ways to boost your self-esteem. You don’t have to go through that alone. Reaching out for support is a great way to get through your shame and understand that your actions don’t have to define who you are. It’s not an easy road, especially if you’re prone to feeling shameful in different situations. But, by taking one step at a time, you can boost your confidence, recognize that you’re a good person, and move past your shame in healthy, productive ways.
Individual Counseling
If your feelings of shame or guilt are starting to impact your life consider counseling for self-esteem. If you have questions or want to know how I can help, I offer a 15-minute consultation. Please reach out today!
